Carshalton Athletic 1 Havant & Waterlooville 3

22oct05
Conference South
War Memorial Sports Ground, Carshalton
att. 342

After the fast, a relative feast. 3 goals. ‘My’ first win in 6 games. The first away win on my watch since Grantham in April 2004, so therefore my first in the post-Southern League era. Some statistic when you consider that I’m forced to feed mainly on the away game scraps these days. In short, people, the jinx is broken. Me me me, eh?

The H&W throng was an impressive size today augmented by a couple of stray Sutton United fans, one of whom helpfully informed us that, in terms of political boundaries, Carshalton was indeed “just a small town in Sutton”, a lyric they tried to shoehorn into the H&’Dub hymn-sheet during the course of the afternoon.

Not that there was time as some of the Havant & ‘Ville brethren had some new material of their own. Firstly making use of Rocky Baptiste’s real first name to claim, factually in many respects, “we’ve got Jairzinho”. Furthermore his new strike partner has come to us with an Arsene-style name not a million miles away from the club’s, allowing a handsome segue within an existing tune, “Haaaavaaaant and the Vil Pow-ell” going west early on. Also, bearing in mind Carshalton’s nickname, “the Robins’ have got bird flu la-la laah-la” was chirped. Sounded good coming from the Hawks as our programme editor Simon pointed out.

On that note I also learnt today that we have moved into the world of the mascot. Using our connection with ex-Hampshire wicketkeeper Adi Aymes (now our fitness trainer), it seems we’ve purloined the county club’s ‘Harry the Hawk’ costume for the winter, and it appears our terrace regular ‘Sweary’ Les will hibernate within it at home and, when possible, away. I imagine he’ll eschew his nickname, for as long as he’s handing out sweeties anyway. One also hopes that ‘Harry’ survives any EU-directed precautionary cull.

A lot of vocal fun was also had at the expense of ex-Wimbledon midfielder, and London cabbie, Peter Fear who was with H&W at the end of last season before just not showing up at the start of this campaign. Eventually contracts were annulled and he turned up at Carshalton but a gentleman’s agreement between the clubs meant he was able to spend all afternoon in the clubhouse allowing several pints of iffy lager to eat away at his Knowledge.

The on-field Hawks were far from on top form today but considering Carshalton’s seemingly doomed spot at the base of the Conference South, they were good enough to get the 3 points. Luke Byles showed the value of chasing down as their keeper Stuart Searle’s pressured clearance hit our man at just the right angle to bounce back past him into the net. While the sides shared the spoils for the largely lifeless remainder of the first half, it did feel as though it was only a matter of time before the Hawks would add to their tally.

However a Carshalton equaliser was to come first not long after the restart, Marlon Patterson lobbing our keeper Colin Matthews from the edge of the area. No mean feat when you consider that Colin is 6’8”. Aside from that positional faux pas though our gargantuan gloveman had a pretty good game. It certainly shows the impact, after Gareth Howells’ woeful kicking against Cirencester, of having genuine competition for the No. 1 jersey. Weird that this should come, finally, in the year after we disband the reserve team, but I guess that means if the keepers’ want regular football there is precious little room for error.

While Carshalton’s attacking play was not as restricted as one might have liked, it was H&W creating more down the flanks with Rocky holding the ball up brilliantly, and Vil Powell (brought in from Stafford Rangers after the Cirencester debacle) causing major problems. Both were rewarded with a goal, Vil capitalising on some Keystone Cops defending to loop one in over the keeper while Rocky was able to side foot in the clincher from close range after Luke Byles’ excellent penetrating run and cross. “Fearo, Fearo, what’s the score?” rang out from the far corner of the long covered terracing.

Perhaps this was Luke’s way of responding to manager Ian Baird barking ‘f**king lazy knob’ at him moments earlier. Certainly, Bairdy didn’t allow his touchline ban to concern him unduly. To illustrate, our gaffer is the bald chap in the photo above with his hands on his kidneys, standing about a foot away from where he would have been ordinarily.

There we go then, mostly workmanlike but hopefully will do wonders for our confidence away from home. What a difference a week makes. After the doom and gloom of the cup exit whilst 11th in the table, 3 wins occur and we find ourselves propelled 6 places, with 3 points and a couple more goals separating us from 6th placed Bognor. Roll on Cambridge City at home next week then. I’ll be there, hopefully today will be the start of a new kind of jinx.

Kidsgrove Athletic 3 Ashton United 1

15oct05
FA Trophy 1st Qualifying Round
Stan Brown Stadium, Kidsgrove
att. 178

Kidsgrove sits at the point where the Nottingham–Crewe and Stoke–Manchester lines split apart. A light breeze is the only welcome upon dismount at the joint, having descended the north-western leg of Kidsgrove’s welcoming Y. Despite the sluttish nature of its spread-eagled, wanton interchange, the eerie calm of the Saturday afternoon suggests that Kidsgrove is happy to never be where the action is.

Round the corner from the station, there is a modest row of shops packing in the essentials, the ophthalmic optician, dentist and optometrist stacked side-by-side as well as a couple of banks, alongside the typically village smattering of the old-fashioned and the slightly frivolous: Bryan’s, a place of flannelettes, tights and light haberdashery displays it’s range of caps (5), from baseball to flat, on the door frame; a deserted amusement arcade provides home to 20 fruities and a blackout-curtain of smoke-heavy dank; while a wedding decorators and a birthday wrap specialist sit together, holding hands in a show of twee but warming contentment.

 Round one corner, the Post Office, Library and Job Centre ally themselves as beacons of public service, while round another lurks Tesco, counting out its money and laughing. Around one further corner an increasingly Riddler-hued Kwik Save looks on enviously. In addition, for a town that sparks with precious little excitement, they nonetheless value their hair as a disproportionate percentage of barbers and stylists are scattered about.

The two competing family butchers display fixture posters for the town’s football team, where no-one else seems bothered, the meaty union getting their collective muscle (and gristle) behind the ‘Grove Trophy run. Therein lies a familiar problem, garnering local interest. While Clough Hall Park next door bodes well in name (particularly as it is also the ‘real’ name of the football ground), the fact that the pub of the same name proudly displays a ‘good luck’ letter from Port Vale gaffer Brian Horton suggests the full-professionalism of the League One doggers captures more attentions than Kidsgrove’s exploits in the Unibond Division One.

However those involved with the club would be hoping that an FA Trophy tie against a side from a level above (was two before Ashton United’s relegation from Conference North last April) would bring in a little more than the average. As it is the crowd isn’t much over the norm, with Ashton contributing about 15% of it along with a big red flag and, rather quaintly, a rattle, which whisks up some brief clacks of terrace skiffle before the musician’s wrist wears out, or possibly because the novelty has worn off.

It’s departure from the sounds of the ground is accelerated when the home side take the lead on 15 minutes, a cross planted home resolutely on the volley. Despite their manager moderating a touchline shout of “run at oom, their defender’s slow as shit” to a whisper, as said centre-half lollops to within possible earshot, Kidsgrove’s confidence in their causing of an upset is very clear. However, it only takes 5 minutes for Ashton to equalise, and their management are also keen not to rest on their laurels, the bench helpfully informing their own slothic no. 5 “we started 20 minutes ago, y’know”.

Almost immediately they are awarded a penalty which is struck straight down the middle foxing the keeper’s dive but not his toes which spoon the ball back out of the box. It is the first of many disappointments in front of goal for Ashton as they dominate the remainder of the first half, without exploiting fully the widening holes in the Kidsgrove defence. They hit the post twice and despite rounding the keeper in the 41st minute, Ciaran Kilheeney only succeeds in placing the ball into the right cheek of a covering defender’s timely arse.

Noticing their own lack of exploration into their opponent’s half during the first period, Kidsgrove clearly get fired up at half-time as they take the second half by the scruff of the neck, taking the lead again after 49 minutes, Ashley Miller dancing around the edge of the area and hooking a shot which proceeds to weave through a defender’s legs, over the plethora of hillocky divots that have formed on the already lumpy surface and past a motionless keeper. Not long after, a dream ball from defence lands behind the Ashton backline and just in front of the impressive Darren Twigg's run, but his shot is blocked by keeper Ashley Connor’s feet.

Throughout the second half, 2 Kidsgrove old boys (the two lads in the photo below) stand like Statler and Waldorf just to the side of the Ashton dugout that becomes increasingly misted with ear-steam condensation. Any stumble from the Ashton players now coming forward in search of another equaliser is met with cries of “WATCH THE DIVER! WATCH THE DIVER!” over and over and over in a thick, fog-horned Staffordshire accent, even when a player is clearly scythed down.

 

After about 15 minutes solid (and I mean SOLID) of this and another slight trip, the younger of the two starts singing ‘a dive, A DIVE, a dIVe, a DivE’ in an improvisational and mostly atonal style more appropriate to the antagonising of dogs. Visibly bristling for some time, a vein pops on the Ashton coach’s temple as he can finally take no more of the incessant nasal whine, shouting “Will you fuck off, you’re just a boring old fart”. Our old boy responds, seemingly unaware of the agitative nature of his yelling, “Why is ‘e diving then, why doesn’t ‘e do something for ees teem?”. An Ashton youth team hanger-on is on hand to retort by proxy with a query, “why don’t you shut up and do something for the fans?”. Although quietened by this, Foghorn nonetheless continues pumping out unrequited instruction before his mate ambles off without farewell, and he himself eventually grows weary. Even the Kidsgrove fans breathe a sigh of relief at this stage, which turns into a delirious cheer as they are awarded a penalty in the 81st minute, and dispatch it via the underside of the crossbar.

This just about sums up Ashton’s luck as they press hard for the remainder of the game, twice more hitting the woodwork but the mountain is too high to climb and as the flag is folded up behind the goal, the final whistle puts Kidsgrove into the Second Qualifying Round where they will play against one of two succedents to former league clubs, Gateshead or Bradford (Park Avenue), who replay tonight (19th October).

UPDATE 20sep05: Gateshead won that replay 4-3 after extra time, just so as you know.

Road to Upton Park:
F: Woking 0 Grays Athletic 2 (att. 13,997) [BBC]
SFl2: Woking 2 Boreham Wood 0 (att. 2,080)
SFl1: Boreham Wood 0 Woking 1 (att. 1,511)
4Rr: Stafford Rangers 2 Woking 4 (att. 1,781)
4R: Woking 1 Stafford Rangers 1 (att. 2,020)
3R: Woking 3 Welling United 2 (att. 1,244)
2R: Blyth Spartans 1 Welling United 3 (att. 784)
1R: Warrington Town 1 Blyth Spartans 2 (att. 251)
3QR: Warrington Town 4 Kidsgrove Athletic 0 (att. 121)
[Gateshead removed from competition for fielding ineligible player]
2QR: Gateshead 1 Kidsgrove Athletic 0 (att. 127)
1QR: Kidsgrove Athletic 2 Ashton United 1

Links:
Kidsgrove Athletic website
Ashton United website

Cirencester Town 2 Havant & Waterlooville 1

08oct05
FA Cup 3rd Qualifying Round
Corinium Stadium, Cirencester
att. 278

Two points of qualification to begin with, particularly with regard to matters raised in my posting from Skelmersdale.

Firstly: the love of the FA Cup and it's attendant 'magic' IS conditional.

Secondly: new build grounds with no cover aside from the seats are all very well when baked in sunshine, but standing in 90 minutes of pissing f***ing rain (which begins with the ref's first whistle) as your team gets scalped in a potentially financially rewarding cup contest, well, there's only so rose-tinted you can be about that.

You might ask why, if the stands were covered, why not sit in them, to protect oneself from the shower? Some of the H&W crew indeed took post beneath the far-side roof, hanging our flags out front. Any notion of 'taking the stand' though was combated by the gaggle of small boys experimenting with vocal support sitting unintimidated in the centre. Clearly someone had brought along 'My First Football Chant', and after 3 or 4 minutes in close earshot of their runty little squeals, myself and my party took our chances under the sky's precipitative salvo.

You'll notice that defeat in the FA Cup prior to the rounds proper, particularly to a team from a league below, brings out the bitter curmudgeon in me. Yeah, that's right, wanna make something of it? Grrr....

The prize money continues to rise in the FA Cup and a win today would have deposited 5 grand in our bin. May only account for a couple of weeks wages for us but it adds up. A team starting in the Extra Preliminary Round that makes it to the first round proper not only gets the possibility of a lucrative tie with a league club, but will already have banked £22,500 which would be an absolute fortune for a club at that level. At this current time this dream remains alive for Wroxham, Cammell Laird, Bishop's Cleeve, Chasetown, AFC Totton, Cogenhoe United and Leamington, although only the latter went into Monday's hat without an 'or' as pre- or suffix.

So for this year H&W will have to make do with £3,750. Perhaps not to be sniffed at but while the clubs think more these days about the moolie, us fans continue to pray for the big day out in the 1st round at a league club. Twice we have reached this stage of the competition and twice we have drawn out Conference National clubs as oppo. We may have run Southport and Dagenham & Redbridge close in those ties, as well as (then non-league) Barnet in the 4th Qualifying Round the year in between, but the big prize still eludes us.

Waterlooville FC managed to take on Northampton in the 1st round in 1983/84 (and even took them to a second replay) but on the 3 other occasions they made the first round, again it was fellow non-league opposition. Two years ago we went out to Salisbury (division below) and they ended up playing Sheffield Wednesday at Hillsborough. Bum.

It's all ifs and maybes now though, particularly as Cirencester have a very winnable away tie with Ramsgate to look forward to, but they were better than us, despite our periods of pressure, and deserved this 'upset'. I also admired their experienced defender Adie Viveash's attempts to prevent our man Dave Town from getting booked. Fair play, for that I shall watch Cirencester's progress with interest rather than bitterness.

However, aside from their beautifully struck but ill-covered free-kick opener in the second minute, and the second headed firmly in at the back post from a corner, there was little else that caused our keeper Gareth Howells too many problems (aside from some pretty shocking goal-kicking), but they took their chances, while we did not until it was too late.

The fact it took a a lad trialing from a Sunday league side to score our consolation just prior to injury time, shows that without Rocky Baptiste (suspended after his Yeading misdemeanour), our striking options are not limited. Indeed Simon Patterson, who started alongside Dave Town up-front and has history at Watford, was being referred to by some after the game as the worst player yet seen in a Hawks shirt. When a 6'5" forward doesn't win one header in the entire 90 minutes, you find yourself hard pressed to argue.

It seems our team is either white hot or white dog shit this year but some blame has to be put at our manager's door for this one. The opposition was clearly underestimated when the starting line-up consisted of several left-backs strewn across the middle of the park, with one of our better performing midfield men, Jamie Collins, left on the bench. It's not a huge surprise though, the two previous seasons have also seen us exit to sides from the Southern League. One comment, dripping necessarilly in sarcasm, on our message board sums things up very well:

"Its just as well we have lots of these silly tin pot cup competitions, so that we can tinker around with different formations. If i knew i was gonna be watching a training session, I might have stayed at home." (Hamster)

Considering my elaborate route from Liverpool to London to Havant to Cirencester and back over the weekend, I would hope you would forgive me for echoing the sentiment, however nice it was to travel to a game with my buddies for a change. I will jump back on the horse soon as this jinx thing of mine is starting to depress me (and it'll ostracise me soon, no doubt).

At least I saw a goal this time though. My first in 383 minutes. I clearly am the Azerbaijani forward line of Hawk fandom.

Road to Cardiff:
F: West Ham 3 Liverpool 3 [Liverpool win 3-1 on pens] (att. 74,000) [BBC]
SF: Middlesbrough 0 West Ham United 1 (att. 39,148) [BBC]
QFr: Middlesbrough 4 Charlton Athletic 2 (att. 30,248) [BBC]
QF: Charlton Athletic 0 Middlesbrough 0 (att. 24,187) [BBC]
5R: Preston North End 0 Middlesbrough 2 (att. 19,877) [BBC]
4Rr: Middlesbrough 1 Coventry City 0 (att. 14,131) [BBC]
4R: Coventry City 1 Middlesbrough 1 (att. 28,120) [BBC]
3Rr: Middlesbrough 5 Nuneaton Borough 2 (att. 26,255) [BBC]
3R: Nuneaton Borough 1 Middlesbrough 1 (att. 6,000) [BBC]
2Rr: Histon 1 Nuneaton Borough 2 (att. 3,000) [BBC]
2R: Nuneaton Borough 2 Histon 2 (att. 3,366) [BBC]
1R: Nuneaton Borough 2 Ramsgate 0 (att. 2,153) [BBC]
4QR: Ramsgate 3 Cirencester Town 0 (att. 697)
3QR: Cirencester Town 2 Havant & Waterlooville 1
2QRr: Havant & Waterlooville 4 Eastleigh 1 (att. 329)
2QR: Eastleigh 0 Havant & Waterlooville 0 (att. 470)
2QR: Christchurch 0 Cirencester Town 2 (att. 165)
1QR: Cirencester Town 5 Wimborne Town 3 (att. 147)

Links:
Cirencester Town website
Havant & Waterlooville website

Skelmersdale United 0 Bishop Auckland 0

24sep05
FA Cup 2nd Qualifying Round
Westgate Interactive Stadium, Skelmersdale
att. 509

Given the choice, I would always prefer a cup match over a league game as a neutral. The finality of it, the death or glory, I guess. Not that participants are particularly gladiatorial in the FA Cup 2nd Qualifying Round. This IS the finest cup competition though. The nature of money in football at the top level means that there are fewer surprises in the later rounds these days, but has the magic died? Not if you look hard enough. The qualifying rounds are as much part of the road to a hopefully-built-in-time Wembley as the quarters and the semis, giant-killing in relative terms going on across the country from August onward.

There was certainly potential for it here, with North West Counties league Skelmersdale up against Bishop Auckland, 1 level higher in the second tier (i.e. First Division) of the Northern Premier League. Both former FA Amateur Cup winners, although Skelmersdale’s win in 1971 and runner-up spot in 1967 are dwarfed rather by Bishop Auckland’s frankly gluttonous 10 wins and 8 defeats in finals between 1895 and 1958. With the Amateur Cup now defunct, and it being all semi-pro in these waters these days, not to mention the Trophy and Vase being respectively appropriate for their current status’, the only chance of these two clubs meeting occurs in the FA Cup, which adds to the intrigue factor - the first stepping stone to magic.

Of course, a Skelmersdale promotion could eventually bring this combination about, and everything appears to be in place for that to occur. For a start their functional and neat ground is only a year old, although initial drainage problems, combined with success in the knockout cups, meant they had to spend pockets of last season decamped at Burscough and Formby. Assuming the turf, which looks like a freshly Shake n’ Vac-ed carpet today, holds out through the oncoming winter, Skem will be in an ideal position to cope with life back in the Northern Premier League. They had 6 post-Wembley-glory years there in the mid-70s before the costs of professionalism got too much, but with the Unibond’s pyramid status now reduced, the structure at the club looks just about right for them to go up, stay up and possibly progress.

It’s all going according to plan on the field certainly, as after 9 games in the North West Counties top division, they have yet to drop a point, on top of which they have sailed through 3 FA Cup qualifiers prior to this. After beating Liversedge in the Extra-Preliminary Round, they have taken two higher division scalps in the shape of Colwyn Bay and the rather beleaguered Runcorn FC Halton. So, as I say, all the ingredients of a potential ‘giant’-killing right here, right now.

It certainly appears to have captured the imagination of the local populace with a very healthy crowd in, particularly in a week when the merits of the Premiership have been drawn into question, and also when you consider the general attendance trends at this level in the North. It is especially good to see loads of kids here, albeit largely running about in their own games on bare patches of earth around the stadium. Some are slightly less social, one young lad rolling small rocks quite aggressively down the pitchside pathways, utilising passing legs as makeshift skittles. Nonetheless, whatever their distractions, they are part of a very friendly, very jovial FA Cup atmosphere, all played out in hazy September sunshine. Ideal. Even the assistant ref gets a warm welcome, particularly from the Scouse contingent in.

Fan: “Alright lino? Looking good today, la. Look at the shine on them shoes. I always said you’d go far.”

Linesman: “Ta, my wife does ‘em for me”

Fan: “Aye, I heard she was a scrubber”

Needless to say with all this rose-tinted waxing, the game finishes without a goal, but not without a fair amount of effort from both sides. A fairly entertaining scoreless draw compared to some, but certainly it will be Bishop Auckland who go away the least satisfied with the result, considering they squandered several excellent chances to wrap it up, particularly in the second half, by which time the tall, rugged Skem central defenders have begun to tire, and the offside trap is beaten time and again, assisted in one case by a suicidal backpass, but each time the Bishop Auckland forwards snatch or slice.

However in the most part, it had been a fairly even game, with Auckland making few holes in the Skem defence who hassle well in the first half, which has the effecting of creating less pressure on themselves and allowing the midfield to make exploratory forays into opposition territory. Having started the second half the brighter, full of confidence, pushing wide and winning several corners, the final moments sees them flag, with the centre-halves little more than walking. Come the whistle, they may have been quite grateful to hear it despite it signalling the prospect of a long midweek journey to the North-East. However, they go with a much better idea of what they need to do. Attack early, and take their chances, and another moose-head could reside above their West Lancashire fireplace.

Road To Cardiff
F: West Ham 3 Liverpool 3 [Liverpool win 3-1 on pens] (att. 74,000) [BBC]
SF: Middlesbrough 0 West Ham United 1 (att. 39,148) [BBC]
QFr: Middlesbrough 4 Charlton Athletic 2 (att. 30,248) [BBC]
QF: Charlton Athletic 0 Middlesbrough 0 (att. 24,187) [BBC]
5R: Preston North End 0 Middlesbrough 2 (att. 19,877) [BBC]
4Rr: Middlesbrough 1 Coventry City 0 (att. 14,131) [BBC]
4R: Coventry City 1 Middlesbrough 1 (att. 28,120) [BBC]
3Rr: Middlesbrough 5 Nuneaton Borough 2 (att. 26,255) [BBC]
3R: Nuneaton Borough 1 Middlesbrough 1 (att. 6,000) [BBC]
2Rr: Histon 1 Nuneaton Borough 2 (att. 3,000) [BBC]
2R: Nuneaton Borough 2 Histon 2 (att. 3,366) [BBC]
1R: Histon 4 Hednesford Town 0 (att. 1,080) [BBC]
4QR: Hednesford Town 3 Vauxhall Motors 0 (att. 628)
3QR: Vauxhall Motors 4 Skelmersdale United 3 (att. 243)
2QRr: Bishop Auckland 1 Skelmersdale United 2 (att. 125)
2QR: Skelmersdale United 0 Bishop Auckland 0
1QR: Runcorn FC Halton 2 Skelmersdale United 3 (att. 129)
1QRr: Bishop Auckland 2 Chorley 1 (att. 140)
1QR: Chorley 0 Bishop Auckland 0 (att. 237)
PQR: Skelmersdale United 2 Colwyn Bay 0 (att. 219)
PQR: Pontefract Colleries 2 Bishop Auckland 3 (att. 62)
EPQR: Skelmersdale United 1 Liversedge 0 (att. 132)